


Swimming Against the Current

by darklildevil



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:22:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25332361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darklildevil/pseuds/darklildevil
Summary: Nate Archibald has always been the perfect son, perfect student, perfect boyfriend. It's too bad he feels like he's drowning.Eric van der Woodsen ended up locked away for drowning, unable to swim with the crowds.Can they keep each other afloat?(or what might've happened if Nate wasn't as straight as he seemed, and the boys skip out on the college mixer before Blair's announcement)
Relationships: Nate Archibald/Eric van der Woodsen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Swimming Against the Current

Sometimes, Nate wondered what was the point of it all. At the end of the day, after you took away what he did for everybody else, what was left? He did what his parents told him; he obeyed what Blair demanded of him; he smiled and schmoozed as directed, like a trained monkey. By the time he collapsed into bed each night, it was hard to think of one thing he’d done that day that he’d actually  _ wanted  _ to do.

So, over the years he’d started a slight rebellion. It couldn’t be too extreme- he’d never get away with what Chuck did, for instance. However, he gradually became less invested in his studies, stopped trying so damn hard. A pass was just as good as an A, why do more than the bare minimum?

Blair was harder to deal with, but over the years he discovered that just doing what he was told quickly, and paying attention to her for long enough that she was satisfied, meant he could escape quicker than arguing and standing up for what he wanted. 

So if that meant watching movies he didn’t have any interest in, Nate could handle that for the freedom that followed. Disappointing his parents became an art-form- a night out followed by a morning run with his Dad (he’d make sure to lose). Drunken pictures in the media, followed by a charming young man at his mother’s latest charity benefit.

The drugs helped, immensely. Strictly pot- he’d gotten addicted to it so quickly he was wary of trying anything harder. With every toke it felt as though a smoke screen, no pun intended, was descending around him. The pressure and expectations lifted, he could breathe again.

Some days however, he couldn’t shake the feeling of not belonging. In the room, in the group, in his own skin. Nothing was right, he was an imposter. He’d learnt the hard way that lighting up was a bad idea on those days. Drinking was the way to go when he felt so out of place, he might as well just leave. 

It was cliche, but in the middle of the crowd, surrounded by his friends and peers, he could feel so alone. Chuck’s couch became his second home, being that he wasn’t dumb enough to return to his own home drunk and/or blazed off his face. Nights out and parties were the norm, being hungover a perpetual state of being.

He told himself that the partying was what he wanted, was the part of life that he actually enjoyed. The truth of it was, he had no interest in these people or their parties. You were much more likely to find him drinking a beer outside than in the throng of people drinking top shelf liquor.

The last year had been… Like swimming against the current. Futile, and yet he kept struggling along, keeping his head afloat. After what’d happened at the wedding, the guilt had been like an undercurrent- trying to drag him down. And now… Now Serena was back, stirring up old emotions and secrets.

Blair had been pushing harder and harder for them to seal the deal in the bedroom, yet he couldn’t bring himself to touch her like that with this lie hanging over his head. Eventually, he had no other way to avoid it (getting so stoned he couldn’t get it up wasn’t a long-term strategy). So Nate ended up confessing his sins to Blair, admitting to it all. Sleeping with her best friend and lying about it for a year.

Not his finest moment. He regretted cheating on Blair, he regretted sleeping with Serena on a  _ bar  _ at a wedding, but he didn’t really regret sleeping with Serena. He was still hurt that she’d disappeared immediately after, though. Doubts had plagued him ever since- was he that bad in bed that he’d run her out of town?

Anyway. He’d fucked his relationship up with Blair, he was still trying to track down answers from Serena, his dad was riding him about Dartmouth and Blair… Well. Getting caught ducking out of assembly to get baked with Chuck was the least of his worries. Not attending his interview, however, would get him into a shit-tonne of trouble with his father, so he made himself presentable, and proceeded to do his best to sabotage himself.

He didn’t want to go to Dartmouth and there were plenty of guys who really did, who deserved the opportunity more than he did. So reading his name on the sheet, hearing the way that kid -Dan?- spoke of him getting spoon-fed a position in Dartmouth; it hurt, even more so due to the accuracy of it. He’d actually  _ said _ to give the position to somebody else, and they’d still given it to him. 

It was at the mixer when he managed to get his own back, sending Dan to talk to the Dartmouth rep, while Nate himself stepped outside for some fresh air. At least, he intended to. After shrugging off his father, he was halfway out of the suffocating building when he bumped into a face that took a moment to place. 

“Eric? Wow, is that you?”

The younger man peered up at him, a strained smile crossing his face. “Nate. Hey.”

The urge to flee was temporarily replaced with concern. 

“Man, I haven't seen you around in ages. I tried to call you a few times, but your Mum said you went to stay with your Aunt. Are you alright Eric?”

The shorter teen was obviously caught off guard by that. “You tried to call me?”

Nate’s forehead creased in confusion. “Yeah? Is that not.. Ok? I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out?”

A crooked grin and a head shake greeted that. “Mum never said. I thought nobody even cared where I was, what happened.”

“What happened?”

Nate’s eyes were inexplicably drawn to Eric’s bottom lip, being abused by pearly whites. “Uh, I was in, um, Florida.”

“Uh-huh. Look, Eric, you don’t have to lie to me. Just tell me you don’t want to talk about it. Uh, I’m ditching this mixer, wanna join me?”

Eric glanced around the room, peering through the glass at everybody standing outside.

“Yes. Please. I can’t answer another question about Florida.”

***

The two ended up walking to the Palace, neither wanting to go home and knowing that Chuck’s couch was available and free of parental hovering.

Once they were seated and the xbox fired up, the boys lost themselves into the game. Insults were thrown, elbows aimed for ribs, laughter flying free. Neither boy had enjoyed themselves so much in a long time.

It was while they waited on a loading screen that Eric cleared his throat, staring at the screen unblinkingly as he spoke. “Ostroff’s. That’s, that’s where I was.”

“The institution? Eric, why would you be there?”

“I, uh. After Serena left, and then Mum moved us into the hotel, and she’s never around anyway, and I was just. Really lonely. In a bad place. So, I ended up in Ostroff center, and Mum told everyone I was in Miami. Can’t let them know where I  _ actually _ was.”

Nate dropped his controller on the coffee table, turning to face the shorted blonde.

“Eric… I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. Are you, are you okay?”

A jerky nod. A shaking hand leaving the controller to pull up his sleeve. “Yeah… I’m okay now. I wasn’t, then, but I’m doing better now.”

Nate reached out, gently grabbing the pale wrist and rubbing his thumb next to the scar, almost too scared to touch it. 

“Jesus Eric. I can’t… I can’t even imagine you being in that much pain alone. Fuck! I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry.”

His eyes were misting over as he stared at that red line, mind processing how close Eric must have come to death. 

“Nate, it’s okay. I never expected you to be there for me- you’re Serena’s friend, not mine. This is just my fucked up issue, not yours. It’s fine.”

He tried to pull his arm back, but Nate wasn’t letting go. 

“No, it’s not okay. I thought we were friends, you’re not just Serena’s little brother, you know? I’ve always enjoyed hanging out with you. And as your friend, you should’ve been able to tell me how close to the ledge you were, man. I’m sorry I flaked on you when Serena did.”

“Yeah, why was that? The timing was pretty shitty, to be honest.”

Nate sighed deeply, running his unoccupied hand through already tousled locks. 

“Alright. Okay. You were straight up with me, I’ll be honest with you. I lost my virginity… To Serena at the wedding.”

Eric’s brow furrowed as he processed that. “That… That was the day before she left. You slept with her? But.. what?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s fucked up. I don’t even know why she left. I mean, I don’t think it’s actually possible to be that bad at sex you drive somebody out of the city… But what would I know, right?”

The younger boy scrunched his nose. “Man, can you stop talking about sex with my sister, please?”

The tension in the air broke a bit, both guys chuckling and smiling at each other. Nate still held Eric’s forearm, his thumb continued to gently run across the skin.

“Sure. Is there anything else you want to tell me, since we’re apparently baring our souls?”

He chuckled, to show he was joking, but he also couldn’t miss the way Eric tensed once again. 

“Uh, joking. No pressure to say anything.”

A tight smile was all the reply he got for a few moments, until Eric dropped his head forward, staring at his lap as he spoke.

“I kinda have one other, big, secret. I haven't even told my therapist this one.”

Nate’s head tilted in concern as he studied the younger boy. “Shouldn’t you tell your therapist everything? Like, isn’t that how it works, you let them in and they work out how to help you?”

A shrug. Still no eye contact. “Mum says they’ve got the best therapists possible, but really they’re just good at keeping their mouths shut. I don’t really feel comfortable with them. And I just haven’t really been ready to admit it to myself, let alone anybody else. Nate I… You won’t tell anybody? Not even Serena?”

“Of course not Eric. I got you man.”

“I think I’m gay.”

The thumb that was stroking his wrist paused, and Eric felt his heart stop. Seconds later, it carried on as though nothing had changed. He’d never been so relieved in his life.

“Okay. Okay, so that must be pretty hard to be dealing with on top of all the other crap. Do you mind me asking… You  _ think _ you are?”

Red blossomed across his face as he peered through his bangs up at the older boy. 

“Well, when everybody watches the girls playing field hockey… I’m watching the coach. But it’s not like I’ve actually  _ been _ with a guy, so maybe it’s just all in my head? Maybe I’m just crazy.”

Nate snorted. “Nah, you’re not crazy, their coach is hot. And I reckon he’s gay, ‘cause none of the girls have managed to get him to sleep with them, according to Blair. I’m no expert, but I don’t think you have to actually have sex with a dude to officially be gay. It’s about what you feel, what you want.”

Eric whispered his response, causing Nate to lean in towards him. “I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I feel.”

A smirk pulled at the young Archibald’s lips as he pressed his forehead to Eric’s. “Wanna know a secret? Neither do I.”

Shock caused Eric to pull back, look him in the eye. “What? But you’ve been with Blair since…”

“Since forever, yeah, I know. And then I got drunk, and the thing with Serena happened. But to be honest, I think if Chuck were  _ actually _ bi- and not the poser that he is- it would’ve happened with him years ago.”

“So, you would’ve fucked Chuck? Really?”

Nate shrugged. “I’ve certainly spent enough nights on this couch, trying not to watch him fuck girls right over there on that bed. You’re telling me the thought wasn’t meant to cross my mind?”

“Most guys would think about fucking the girls, not Chuck.”

“Oh, I did. And Chuck. And the girls  _ and  _ Chuck. Any number of variations on that, really.”

Eric giggled at that, ducking his head again. “This… This is nice. Thanks.”

Nate finally let go of his wrist, leaning back on the couch and throwing an arm around the younger boy instead. “So. Is medicinal herb part of your recovery process, or are we watching some TV?”

***

Eric stared at the walls of his room in the institute. So bland, so not him. He rubbed his arms, crossed over his chest where he was sitting beside the bed, imitating a ball. He was itchy. Not physically, well kind of, but mostly it was a mental itch.

All the negative, all those thoughts that he tended to drown in, they were rising again. His brain was flooding, reasonable thought was going under. He wanted out.

He wanted out of this, away from this all. There was a razor in the bathroom, he knew exactly where, and how to extract the blade from it. Every inch of his being wanted to do it; get up and grab, feel that horrific pain again, but this time- this time he’d do it right, and when the numbness took over, when the numbness killed off his senses… That’d be it. Game over. The end. 

His therapist had given him ‘tools’ to deal with these feelings, ways to cope when he got overwhelmed like this. He couldn’t remember a single one of them right now. His phone. 

His phone had the emails on it, with the lists of tools. 

Eric let go of his arms, pushed himself to all fours and crawled to the bedside table where his phone was charging.

Powering it on, he worried at the quick of his thumbnail. Accidentally pulled too hard and got a bead of blood for his efforts.

Shoved that hand behind himself before the blood could trigger anything worse in his mind.

Once his phone had booted up, and he gave the password to unlock it, a new message arrived.

Eric was surprised, as he hardly ever got messages. Gossip girl blasts were the most common alert he got.

_ Nate:  _ Hey, what’re u up to?

**Going insane, you?**

_ Nate:  _ Gotta get outta here. Dad’s losing his shit over this college thing. Wanna hang?

**Can’t. Stuck in this place.**

_ Nate:  _ Jailbreak, got it. 

Eric stared at his phone. Was that.. Really? Somebody was going to go to the effort of getting him out of this hell? Warmth spread through his chest as he stared at the phone. 

Somebody gave a shit. 

Serena had tried to get him out, but Lily had put her foot down, hard, after the fiasco at the mixer.

Apparently, Blair had outed Serena as a drug addict in front of all the college reps, and Serena had owned it- to cover for Eric. He honestly didn’t feel that guilty about it- it’s not like she  _ hadn’t _ had issues with drugs in the past. He was waiting for a chance to talk to Blair- some things needed to be said, obviously. But that wasn’t happening any time soon, as his mother had completely lost her shit.

After all, he’d promised he’d be fine and on his best behavior. Instead, he snuck out and got stoned with Nate. Not that she knew he’d been stoned; and he certainly wasn’t fessing up any time soon. He was in enough trouble for leaving without permission, without letting anybody know where he was.

Hence the banishment back to Ostroff, parole postponed. Woot.

A noise from the corridor startled Eric from his thoughts, letting him realise that if a jailbreak truly was pending, he should probably be ready and waiting. That cued a dilemma over what to wear- his mother had packed the only clothes he had here, meaning it was all very preppy and polished. Not his style, at all. Eric settled on jeans (stonewashed, tailored and worth more than he cared to think, but jeans nonetheless) and a plain black hoodie, not bothering with a shirt underneath. Slippers were traded for his chucks (far too new and shiny), and he ran fingers through his hair to tidy it a bit before grabbing his phone before he could forget it.

There was nothing else here worth taking; it wasn’t like he even had his wallet, in fact he only had his phone so his mother could contact him (to let him know she wouldn’t be making it to visit that day).

By the time Nate slipped into his room, Eric had worked himself into a bundle of nerves. Insecurities had plagued him, wondering why Nate- his sister’s friend- would go through the hassle of this just for him.

But just the smile that Nate gave from seeing him blew them all away. He was genuinely excited to see Eric… And Eric wasn’t dumb enough to ruin that.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

****

The teens ended up leaving the Upper East Side- what better way to go unseen by the rich, than to leave their natural habitat? After all, the Blair Waldorfs and Chuck Bass’ of the world would hardly be seen in such  _ derelict _ areas. (A direct quote from Blair, Nate swore.)

They wandered around the streets before deciding to grab a coffee in the first cafe they came across- and it turned out to be excellent coffee, even if the tables didn’t have real linen, and the floors were linoleum. 

Sitting in the corner, the boys fell into discussion about anything that took their fancy, mostly light topics until Eric dared a question.

“So what’s the deal with you and Blair?”

The older boy sighed, leaning back in his seat and running a hand through those shiny locks.

“Well, you know how there’s arranged marriages, right? It’s kinda like that, only she doesn’t know, and I only just found out.”

“Wait. What?”

“So, I told her I slept with Serena. She lost her shit-”

“Obviously.”

“-yeah, thanks. She decided that I look too good on her arm, I guess. She forgave me, as long as I don’t talk to Serena again. But man, things have been crap for ages. Before Serena came back, she was hinting about sex. But the minute Serena’s back, she’s basically jumping me.”

He sank lower in his chair, staring at his knees. “And I’m ready to leave her, I can’t stand the guilt any more, and Dad gets on my case about how much sense we make, how good it is to have our families joined. He even made her try on Mum’s ring! So now I have to play nice with Blair, even though I’m pretty sure I don’t love her.”

Silence fell after that, and it only took a minute for him to peer up at the younger boy.

“Well? Any comments?”

Eric coughed, wriggled in his seat, and darted his gaze about the room before settling on Nate. 

“I don’t mean to oversimplify things, and totally ignore me if I’m wrong, but… Fuck your Dad. He’s not in this relationship, you are. You shouldn’t be with anyone you don’t want to be. That’s like… Rape.”

To his relief, the older boy merely snorted in amusement.

“Not quite. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t mind sleeping with her. It’s the other stuff that is slowly sapping my will to live.. Oh shit, sorry.”

It was Eric’s turn to snort. “Don’t be, you’re not wrong. But that’s my point; too much of the little stuff adds up, and next thing you know you’re so depressed you’re trying to kill yourself. Don’t be unhappy if you can prevent it. Life’s too damn hard and short to put up with that crap.”

Nate hummed, gesturing to the waiter for a refill on their coffees. 

“So, that center seemed pretty grim. How the hell is anybody meant to feel happy there?”

“I know right? They don’t even have a play-station, just books.  _ Classic _ books.”


End file.
